I like boobs.

Yeah, that's right. I'm still on the sauce.

And I have no intentions of giving it up any time soon, no matter how many interventions my family tries to lay on me. There ain't no 12-Step, MA (Milkaholics Anonymous) meetings, or Milkotine Patches that are gonna work on this guy. HELL NO.

If you've already been weaned (and really, the "w" word is profanity in my book), then you must be feeble-minded and easily persuaded.
Weakling.

Allow me to illustrate for you how I've managed to prolong my addiction.
(Please note: I've altered the identities of others in this photograph to protect their innocence.)

Just reach in and grab what rightfully belongs to YOU.

And NEVER take 'no' for an answer.

Charmer

So I promised I would show you the famous Magnum P.I. look. This was much harder to pull off than my popular Johnny Depp disguise. It also received different reactions from people, but they were all in approval as many just broke out into a smile, and others were beside themselves with hysterical laughter.

Yiya helped me achieve this look. I can tell he's really looking out for my best interests.

The ladies were fallin all over me that night.

Copycat

Do you have one of these at your house?

I'm talking about the kid, not the popsicle.

Not sure exactly what he's called, but around here I refer to him as Yiya. I think they come in different varieties and colors, although I didn't have much of a say in which flavor I got. He was just there when I arrived. I think he came with the house.

Anyway, my Yiya is the coolest thing EVER. You might not be so lucky. I hear sometimes these Yiyas can be a real pain. If that's the case, just take it back to the store, I'm sure you can exchange it for a cooler model like mine.

Here's what you can do to earn instant points with the Grown Ups: COPY. Do everything your Yiya does. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If he yells and runs through the house for no reason, you do the same right behind him. If he hops on one foot, you hop on one foot (as best you can....toddlers have that whole balance thing working against them). If he tries to pee in a toilet, guess what you should do? (Be careful though, this tactic could actually work against you by opening up a whole new can of worms. More on diapers later.) You get the idea.

You could be in the midst of a reprimand, but as soon as you copy your Yiya, the Grown Ups turn to mush. For some wacked out reason, this tugs right at their heart strings, and you my friend, are off the hook.

Cooking

Sometimes you might notice the Grown Ups in your house stressing out about what to make for dinner. This happens quite often around here, and I know this because I see one of them (you know, the ONLY one who does the cooking) frantically flipping through pages of a cookbook only to mutter in frustration. Soon afterward we are served a plate of Pop-Tarts and dinner is considered served.

Now I'm not complaining. I love me some Pop-Tarts. But when I sense this dinner dilema, I like to occasionally help out and take the stress off. If you should find yourself in this situation, simply head into the pantry, or what's referred to around here as the 'crunchy-food closet', grab a can of something - doesn't matter what - run out and announce "Found dinner!" and keep running through the kitchen with the can held high in the air.

They might sound confused when they read "Diced Tomatoes with Jalapeños", but that's just their funny way of saying Thank You.

How to impress the non-ladies

In my attempt to handle advice for the modern ladies-man, I may have forgotten those of you out there who may want to impress upon the other gender. Fear not. I know just what men are looking for too, because, well, I know everything.

First things first, men like color. In order to attract a man, you must add a little hue here or there on your face.
Aim for the lips.
A Crayola marker works well for this, just pick your favorite color.
I like blue.

If you find that markers are unavailable, because maybe they are kept in a high cabinet under lock and key, then look for your mom's purse. She has things in there that work just as well as markers. Look for the slender tube that requires twisting. Smear this stuff as close to your lips as possible.

It will be hard.

But I guarantee results.

How to impress the ladies

I'm not gonna lie. I don't have to try very hard to get women. They adore me. But sometimes, you'll find a special someone who maybe doesn't give you as much attention as you'd like. This is when you must disguise yourself into looking more mature than what your true age would reveal. Some women like older men. Don't be discouraged. This is an easy fix.

It looks real, doesn't it?

Notice the food I left on my face. That's actually my "five o'clock shadow". Chicks dig it. I got my inspiration for this look off of a Johnny Depp photo.

Later, I'll show you my Magnum P.I. look.

What's for dinner?

One of the perks to being so young and cute is that you can eat whenever you damn please. If the family is sitting down to eat a meal, sure you can join them. But two minutes later, you have complete freedom to get up and leave. Try it next time. I suggest walking around to everyone's seat and blowing on their food for them, you know, just in case it's too hot. Or grabbing a fist full of cornbread and insisting on watching Space Ghost.
It's coast to coast.

Sometimes they will make you food that does not meet your approval. Instead of protesting, simply grab your bowl or plate and carry it over to the closest Grown Up. Dump the contents of your bowl into theirs and instruct them to eat. They will be so enamored with your generosity that the fact that you didn't eat that disgusting slop will have escaped their notice.

What's that? You're still in a high chair? Excuse me for a minute while I laugh at you.

You must act immediately to get rid of that chair. Next time a Grown Up tries to plop you in, first try the "NO" technique. If you manage to get yourself buckled in, start throwing food. At them. Take careful aim and go to town, the messier the better. You'll be kissing that high chair goodbye in no time.

Puttin' on the RITZ

Okay, have you tried these RITZ crackers? They are buttery and crunchy and chock full of sugar, a staple in every toddler's diet. If you find yourself in possession of these delectable little morsels, get your hands on the entire sleeve of crackers. Guard them with your life and do not let anyone get closer than 10 feet of you. If a Grown Up or some other fool tries to convince you to part with the sleeve, run in the opposite direction. They might pull the "share" card. It's this stupid lesson they think will make you a better person.

"You need to share the ball."
"Sharing is nice, it's gives other's a chance."
"Can you share your crackers?"

This is a trick. You might give the entire sleeve over thinking you will get it back by this so-called sharing. They are not giving it back! Don't fall for it! Instead, give them the cracker you have already taken a bite out of, and pull a fresh cracker for yourself = SHARING.

If they try to get a fresh cracker out of the you, simply employ the "NO" technique mentioned earlier. If they are persistant, your next tactic is to make sure the "no" gets increasingly louder and higher in pitch each time you have to say it. If necessary, scream the "NO" at your highest frequency. Grown ups find this decibel level irritating and might actually leave you alone. And this is what a victory will look like:

Sitting on the best chair in the house, surrounded by glorious crackers.

Should the Grown Ups still attempt at removal of the cracker sleeve, this next step is crucial. Simultaneously yell your loudest "NO" while throwing the crackers over their head, making sure the crackers will land and splatter so NO ONE can enjoy them. Did you get that?

I repeat: THROW THE CRACKERS!

At this point, you can do one of two things: give them the look of death and find something else to obsess about, OR (and this is the one I highly suggest for maximum effectiveness) go into a Full Body Tantrum.

Stay tuned for my detailed instructions on the Fine Art of the Full Body Tantrum.
Until then, enjoy your RITZ.

Just say NO.

No is the best word EVER. Used correctly, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. The trick is in your tone. You must not waver. Show them who's boss. It's YOU. And most importantly: never. give. in.

Example:

Grown Up: C'mon sweetie, it's time to clean up.

Me: No. (do not make eye contact. keep doing whatever it is that you are doing)

Grown Up: Ha, Ha, Little Man. Let's pick up your toys.

Me: No. (keep your voice level. no eye contact)

Grown Up: Okay, enough playing around...you can watch Scooby-Doo later. We need to pick up this mess.

Me: NO.

Grown Up: *sigh*

You've won. The *sigh* is your first sign of victory. The Grown Ups will give up if you are solid in your "NO.", unless they are hard of hearing or just stupid. They should not pursue this any further because they are deathly afraid of your next tactic. If they are not yet afraid, they will be.

What is that next tactic? Stick around. I'll tell you all about it.
Later.