How to impress the non-ladies

In my attempt to handle advice for the modern ladies-man, I may have forgotten those of you out there who may want to impress upon the other gender. Fear not. I know just what men are looking for too, because, well, I know everything.

First things first, men like color. In order to attract a man, you must add a little hue here or there on your face.
Aim for the lips.
A Crayola marker works well for this, just pick your favorite color.
I like blue.

If you find that markers are unavailable, because maybe they are kept in a high cabinet under lock and key, then look for your mom's purse. She has things in there that work just as well as markers. Look for the slender tube that requires twisting. Smear this stuff as close to your lips as possible.

It will be hard.

But I guarantee results.