Sunday, February 28, 2010

Toddler Dinner Etiquette, Part 2

We have all been informed of proper dinner etiquette, at home. Sometimes dinner, or lunch, doesn’t happen at home and you find yourself someplace new.

Dining at a restaurant is a little different than dining at home. You may find that the Grown Ups don’t really like going to these places because they are afraid of something. Let me help you put their minds at ease.

If it’s a nice day, the restaurant you visit may have outdoor seating. This is ideal. If they lead you to a table without a satisfying view, simply go sit at the table with the great view, in my case, the street and sidewalk. 

You will probably be given some crayons and a coloring sheet. Take this opportunity to create a masterpiece for your Grown Ups. Maybe what they are afraid of is the lack of artwork surrounding them. Come to the rescue and color your best scribbling ever.

If you have prime seating, you might able to see cars driving by. Maybe the Grown Ups are afraid the cars will run into them while they eat. Take your crayons and turn them into guns to shoot the cars.  Make sure you have a crayon-gun in each hand for best results. Also, be sure to make accompanying sound effects.

You might also see people walking by with their dogs. The Grown Ups could be afraid that the dogs will come and eat their food. This is when you should call on your superpowers and blast them with your combination fire/ice/forcefield power that comes out of your hands. Supplementary sound effects will calm their fears.

When the food arrives, guess what? It’s HOT. The Grown Ups are definitely afraid of burning their tongues. You know what to do. Start blowing.

You will probably see these little containers on the table full of black and white substances. These are flavor enhancers. They might be afraid that what they order does not taste so good. Go ahead and sprinkle some into their water to give it a little tang.

There will undoubtedly be other people in the restaurant with you. Grown Ups probably think these other people will steal their belongings. While you are eating, simply stare at the childless couple next to you and use your death vision to ensure that your Grown Ups are safe. The couple will most likely start to feel very uncomfortable with your gaze and ask to be moved to another table.

Following these simple tips can ensure a successful meal away from home, and calm the fears of your scaredy-cat Grown Ups.

Friday, February 26, 2010

interpret this

So, one of the Grown Ups had this dream where I get the Toddler Knows Best header you see up above TATTOOED ON MY FOREHEAD!!!

This is the most fabulous idea EVER.

Forehead tattoos are all the rage. If you're cool, you'll get one too.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Toddler, the Metrosexual

I consider myself an expert on toddler couture. My wardrobe has several items that I absolutely refuse to wear, because really, I can’t be seen in some of the crap the Grown Ups expect me to put on. I also believe that one should dress according to the whims and fancies of changing weather, and that clothing reflects just how you feel about your day.

Allow me to illustrate. Two days ago we were given the balmiest, springy-est, sunshiny-est day you could imagine. The skies were blue, those birdies were singing, and I had to take my Tonka trucks for a spin in the dirt. But wait! What to wear?

 It’s days like these that I feel pants are just not necessary. And footwear should be exactly 4 sizes too large and look like reptiles. Or amphibians. Who needs restrictive clothing on a warm spring day? Not me.

See those guys in the back? They obviously didn’t get the pants memo. I am SO laughing at them.

Now today was a different matter. Not balmy, or sunshiny or springy. SNOW. For real. Yes, Texas got some snow, and I had just the outfit. I call this my “I-don’t-really-need-to-dress-warm-for-this-FAKE-snow-cuz-it’s-really-not-going-to-snow” ensemble. It’s a bit casual with a little rebel thrown in for effect.

But then guess what? It kept snowing. Realizing it was a bit too cool for casual rebel, I threw on my lumberjack-superhero combo to brave the elements.

After frolicking for a bit I realized something.
Know what? Elements suck.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

No autographs, please

You are not a baby. In fact, you can walk with your OWN TWO FEET and you don’t need anyone’s hand to help you cross the street. Period.

The Grown Ups will try and carry you, afraid that some car will come flying by, or that you’ll run off into the unknown. You cannot stand for this. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ACCEPT THE DREADED "BABY LEASH". This is a foul and I will have your toddler card revoked if you so much as let the disgusting thing touch your skin. I mean it.

As soon as they attempt to lift you, start wiggling. Twist every which way you can. Grown Ups find it very difficult to carry a squirming child. Add a little scream here and there peppered with a lot of "NO" and you’ll be on your own two feet within seconds.

Now that you can walk without restraints, what do you do? You march right in front because YOU are the star and the Grown Ups are your secret service agents. Enter whatever establishment you have gone to as if you own the place. 
You do. 
Make eye contact and tell people "hi", and say it as if you are doing them a favor by simply being in their presence. 
You are.
I forgot to mention that you should have confiscated an object from the car before you got out. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure something is in your hand. Now, show it to the person you just greeted, and tell them what it is. Say it several times in case they didn't hear you (sometimes these folks can be a little slow). Say it one more time for good measure. Move on to the next person, and repeat the process.

Stop and examine the little spec on the floor. What could it be? A bug? A coin? I don't know either, that's why I stopped. Pick up spec and place it in your pocket. Keep walking.

When it is time to leave, again, tell everyone you see "bye-bye" as if they won't know how to go on without you. 
They won't.

But you'll be back. Oh, yes, you will.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm not a TIGER

I’m a Pig. And I’m also ¼ Chinese, which means that I must partake in the FIFTEEN day celebration of Chinese New Year! All I know is that it involves eating a lot of something called moon cakes.

Oh, and dragons. Which is what I want to be when I grow up.

So we saw a few of these…

And to get them to dance faster, they blew up about a billion of these…

Which made them do this…

And made me do this…

And then I found my pockets.

Did you know I’m bilingual? I can say ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’ in Chinese.

I also just learned how to say bullshit.
But not in Chinese.

Friday, February 12, 2010

My new best friend

I've recently become close friends with our ottoman. This piece of furniture has become pretty handy for helping me reach things that for some strange reason are just too high. I just push it wherever I'd like to reach. I'm now able to turn on the lights.
And turn them off.
And then on again.
The fun never stops.
I can also reach the top of the counter and grab useful things like car keys, wallets and batteries.

Sometimes I get tired of milk in my silly sippy-cup. I need to move on to more sophisticated drink ware. I've tried explaining this, but my requests are not being heard.

Lazy Grown Ups. Sometimes you just got to do things yourself.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

party at my house

I love Tuesday nights! The Grown Up I call “Daddy” leaves to do something called ‘bettering himself’. I don’t know what that means and I don’t really care. What I do know is, we get pizza, a movie, maybe some brownies, about 12 oranges, and party like it’s 1999!


Because I smell weakness in the lady Grown up. That’s why.

She can’t put me to sleep. Never could. Actually that’s not true. I think at one point she could. But there was one bad night and then she began to doubt herself and her put-the-kid-to-sleep abilities.  I took that doubt, and I ran with it. Now, whenever she tries, I’ll humor her for a while, and right when she starts to feel successful, I just pop my little head back up and demand to go play.
Works like a charm.

She doesn’t have it in her to fight with me, so I stay up and party for at least TWO HOURS past my bedtime. You can do it too.

Smell the doubt. Prey on their weakness.

And have as many oranges as you want.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Toddler Dinner Etiquette

Let me share with you my sure fire tips on how to have a successful family dinner. First, always start off by blowing on everyone's food. I think I’ve mentioned before the importance that food be at just the right temperature. You wouldn’t want anyone to burn their tongues.

Because that really is NOT comfortable.

As dinner progresses, it is natural for there to be some light discussion. Contribute whenever possible to the evening’s conversations, even if what you have to say is incomprehensible. Do not wait for other’s to finish their sentences, just chime in whenever the mood strikes you. Sometimes, Grown Ups will become so engrossed in what they are saying that they will neglect eating. If this happens, walk over to them and point to their plates and yell “EAT!” They should be forever grateful for this reminder and touched that you are thinking of their nutrition.

Later after plates have been removed, one of your Grown Ups might express the desire to stretch out on the floor complaining of soreness gathered the night before from when you climbed into their bed and forced them to sleep on the very edge of the mattress. This is a great opportunity to practice your kicking. And stomping. While they are lying there, just give a good swift kick to strengthen up those gross motor skills. If they should complain that this hurts, kindly offer them some milk from your sippy-cup. If they decline your offer, simply start pouring the milk onto their face. I am sure they will find it quite refreshing.

Once the dessert course has been served, quickly lap up the ice cream (because really, what ELSE would you have for dessert?) and demand more. If they tell you there is no more, check for yourself. There should be an empty ice cream container in the recycle bin if they are telling the truth. Lucky for them, they were.

Following these simple tips will ensure a pleasant evening meal.

Bon app├ętit.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Preview: Toddler Documentary

My future as a filmaker is pretty much guaranteed. I have included, for your pleasure, a snippet of my upcoming documentary.

Beware. You are about to see some incredible images, like feet. And Bionicles. And there is an incredibly moving sequence of our carpet.

You might think it's a bit shakey. Let me remind you that I AM A TODDLER. Therefore, shakey is intentional.

I plan on entering this to the Sundance Film Festival. If they gave awards based on age, I will totally win.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

insert witty blog post title here

So my future ex-wife's daddy thinks I'm worthy of the Honest Crap Award. I love crap! It visits me every day in my diaper. This was truly meant to be.

So now I must divulge 10 random things about myself. Why, I thought you’d never ask.
You can’t wait, can you?

1. I will not wear socks. Instead I prefer to squeeze my bare feet into my Thomas the Train sneakers so that eventually a foul and mysterious odor will invade the nostrils of the Grown Ups. Just for fun.

2. I enjoy waking up at 2 a.m. and crawling into the Grown Up’s bed to show my dissatisfaction with the thread count on my bedsheets. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

3. In the winter, I will insist on wearing a jacket or sweater before I leave the house. Immediately upon entering the car, I will insist on taking that jacket off.

4. I like to blow on food. And hot drinks. It is my duty to make sure nothing is too hot to enter your mouth.

5. I believe the major food groups are RITZ crackers, oranges and ice cream.

6. I have recently learned how to lock my bedroom door. This buys me just enough time to climb to the top of the bunk bed before the Grown Ups come in and yell at me to get down.

7. Whenever I see an airplane, I shoot it with my finger gun. Sometimes cars get the same treatment.

8. Tonight I discovered I could open the freezer. Guess what I found? ICE CREAM! And when it was taken away, I screamed like a four year-old screams for his mommy on the first day of preschool.

9. Everything is my business. I frequently like to yell “ME TOO! ME TOO!” so everyone is reminded of this.

10. I am inexplicably drawn to spray bottles and guitars.

(Yeah, I know it really says Scrap.
Crap is just so much more fun.)

Monday, February 1, 2010

This is how I celebrate

So today I was given the Sunshine Award by TWO different bloggers!
I love awards. I don't even know what they are but they sound cool. I think I can use this to score some more RITZ. Anyway, thanks to Joe@20 to Life and Ross and Katy.

While doing my celebratory triple flip off the couch, I slipped on some junk lying on the floor, and the corner of the coffee table RAN INTO MY EYE !!

The rest of my celebration was spent screaming at a nurse while blood oozed out as Grown Ups tried to pin down my super strength to give me STITCHES. Bastards.

And then I ate a peanut butter sandwich.

I'm much better now. And I need to pass the award on to twelve other blogs, so here goes:

1. Trophy Mama
2. The Hossman Chronicles
3. Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver
4. Clean Jokes and Pics
5. Bella Daddy
6. A Nut in a Nutshell
7. A Quiet Spot
8. Austin Blogatorium
9. Outnumbered
10. Mommy With A Penis
11. What My Kids' Art Says
12. Mind of a Mad Woman

So now it's your turn to nominate 12 more peeps and link them in your post. Or something like that.

I've got a headache. Time for some sauce.