Saturday, February 20, 2010

No autographs, please

You are not a baby. In fact, you can walk with your OWN TWO FEET and you don’t need anyone’s hand to help you cross the street. Period.

The Grown Ups will try and carry you, afraid that some car will come flying by, or that you’ll run off into the unknown. You cannot stand for this. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ACCEPT THE DREADED "BABY LEASH". This is a foul and I will have your toddler card revoked if you so much as let the disgusting thing touch your skin. I mean it.

As soon as they attempt to lift you, start wiggling. Twist every which way you can. Grown Ups find it very difficult to carry a squirming child. Add a little scream here and there peppered with a lot of "NO" and you’ll be on your own two feet within seconds.

Now that you can walk without restraints, what do you do? You march right in front because YOU are the star and the Grown Ups are your secret service agents. Enter whatever establishment you have gone to as if you own the place. 
You do. 
Make eye contact and tell people "hi", and say it as if you are doing them a favor by simply being in their presence. 
You are.
I forgot to mention that you should have confiscated an object from the car before you got out. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure something is in your hand. Now, show it to the person you just greeted, and tell them what it is. Say it several times in case they didn't hear you (sometimes these folks can be a little slow). Say it one more time for good measure. Move on to the next person, and repeat the process.

Stop and examine the little spec on the floor. What could it be? A bug? A coin? I don't know either, that's why I stopped. Pick up spec and place it in your pocket. Keep walking.

When it is time to leave, again, tell everyone you see "bye-bye" as if they won't know how to go on without you. 
They won't.

But you'll be back. Oh, yes, you will.


  1. I LOVE it... you just have me laughing at the very thought of what your toddler friend (aka, my daughter) would be thinking too! Greatness!

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  3. don't forget that you are supposed to leave the item from your car in the store so you can drive you parents nuts and they have to go back and look for it!