Monday, January 18, 2010

Puttin' on the RITZ

Okay, have you tried these RITZ crackers? They are buttery and crunchy and chock full of sugar, a staple in every toddler's diet. If you find yourself in possession of these delectable little morsels, get your hands on the entire sleeve of crackers. Guard them with your life and do not let anyone get closer than 10 feet of you. If a Grown Up or some other fool tries to convince you to part with the sleeve, run in the opposite direction. They might pull the "share" card. It's this stupid lesson they think will make you a better person.

"You need to share the ball."
"Sharing is nice, it's gives other's a chance."
"Can you share your crackers?"

This is a trick. You might give the entire sleeve over thinking you will get it back by this so-called sharing. They are not giving it back! Don't fall for it! Instead, give them the cracker you have already taken a bite out of, and pull a fresh cracker for yourself = SHARING.

If they try to get a fresh cracker out of the you, simply employ the "NO" technique mentioned earlier. If they are persistant, your next tactic is to make sure the "no" gets increasingly louder and higher in pitch each time you have to say it. If necessary, scream the "NO" at your highest frequency. Grown ups find this decibel level irritating and might actually leave you alone. And this is what a victory will look like:

Sitting on the best chair in the house, surrounded by glorious crackers.

Should the Grown Ups still attempt at removal of the cracker sleeve, this next step is crucial. Simultaneously yell your loudest "NO" while throwing the crackers over their head, making sure the crackers will land and splatter so NO ONE can enjoy them. Did you get that?


At this point, you can do one of two things: give them the look of death and find something else to obsess about, OR (and this is the one I highly suggest for maximum effectiveness) go into a Full Body Tantrum.

Stay tuned for my detailed instructions on the Fine Art of the Full Body Tantrum.
Until then, enjoy your RITZ.