The long hiatus

I've been gone a while, as you obviously have noticed (ah, fan mail...). Let me explain:

I've been busy starting up my new band. Here's my album cover:


We've been rehearsing nonstop (you know I'm a perfectionist) and I have to stop every so often to teach my new bandmate a trick or two.



And, it's just been too damn hot. Yep. I said it. HOT. So I've been trying to find ways of beating the heat. I highly recommend stripping down to your diaper and running through the sprinklers.



What's that? You don't wear diapers?
Sucker.
Diapers allow me to do whatever I want without having to stop and look for a toilet. Pure brilliance.
Try arguing with that.
Score: Toddler-1 Grown-Ups-0

Tribute to Mommy

It's been a long while. I can't get into why I've been so busy, it's top secret. But I will share with you a little song I've been working on.

This is for all the mommas out there. Enjoy your sneak preview:

She tricked me

I am officially a former sauce-o-holic. I thought I'd be on that til at least FIVE.

She caught me in a good mood (note: don't EVER be in a good mood) and when I oh-so-politely requested a sweet sip, she told me they were empty.
And I fell for it.

I know what this word 'empty' means because I use it to demonstrate when my sippy cup is...well, empty. I pull off the lid and shake out the last drops onto the pretty carpet to add to the colors. And she knows I know what 'empty' is.
And now I know she knows I know.

Empty. But not gone. I can still reach my hand down in there for a reassuring grab.

Guess who's back?

I’ve been very busy. Too busy to share my antics lately, but I’ve stopped long enough to give out some handy tidbits of wisdom.

I did it. I have successfully worn down the Grown Ups to sheer exhaustion. It wasn’t easy, and at first only started out as an experiment. It all started when I learned how to say some magical words: 

I WANT.

As in, I WANT brownie, I WANT more brownie, I WANT to watch Space Ghost.

At first, they were so delighted that I was actually speaking a full sentence that included a noun AND a verb, they answered each and every request with a smile. Of course, once I saw the power of I WANT, the world became mine, and they have been reduced to weak, tired souls.

And now, you too can have Grown Ups that have been so beaten down they become simple servants. Try saying the following sentences within 15 minutes, every day, for two weeks straight:

I WANT a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I WANT Cheerios.
I WANT Cheerios in a bag.
I WANT yogurt.
I WANT crackers.
I WANT milk.
I WANT to go outside.
I WANT to go upstairs.
I WANT to go downstairs.
I WANT THAT!

After each request has been filled, wait until they bring it to you and then demand the next one. It’s a whole lot of fun to mix these up with a few of the NO techniques. For example, try I WANT Cheerios. After they bring them to you, say I WANT Cheerios in a bag. If they try to deny your request (and they might) repeat the request three times ending in a tossing of the Cheerios on the floor. Then stomp away.

Trust me. This will work. And soon you will have some zombie Grown Ups who have suddenly upped their daily caffeine intake just to keep up with you.

smile! you're on candid camera...

bust a move

Part of being a serious Ladies Man is knowing the right dance moves. Women love a man with rhythm; a man who's confident enough to move with the music. You must FEEL the music. Let the beat enter your soul and just go with it MAN! Channel your inner John Travolta.



I always recommend props. I chose this office chair with a twisty knob on the back. Do what feels natural. That's what I did.

trouble

"NO" in action

Watch and learn, folks.

Toddler: Brownie.

Grown Up: I'm sorry, you can't have a brownie now. How about something else?

Toddler: No.

Grown Up: Do you want some yogurt?

Toddler: No.

Grown Up: Grapes?

Toddler: No. Brownie.

Grown Up: Cheese stick?

Toddler: NO.

Grown Up: Do you want a cracker?

Toddler: Noooo. BROWNIE!

Grown Up: Now is not a good time for brownies. Maybe after dinner...

Toddler: NO!!!

Grown Up: I can get you something else...

Toddler: NOOOOO!!!

Grown Up: Calm down sweetie. Do you want some milk?

Toddler: NOOO!! (hit something) BROW-NEEE! (point to it because they obviously are not understanding)


Grown Up: I can't get you a brownie but I can get you an apple?

Toddler: (turn up the volume, full blast) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! BROW-NEEE! BROW-NEEE! BROW-NEE!

Grown Up: (Sigh)

Toddler: NOOO!!! NO! BROW-NEEE!!!

Grown Up: Okay, okay, you want some brownie?

Toddler: No.

8 Mile

Toddler Dinner Etiquette, Part 2

We have all been informed of proper dinner etiquette, at home. Sometimes dinner, or lunch, doesn’t happen at home and you find yourself someplace new.

Dining at a restaurant is a little different than dining at home. You may find that the Grown Ups don’t really like going to these places because they are afraid of something. Let me help you put their minds at ease.

If it’s a nice day, the restaurant you visit may have outdoor seating. This is ideal. If they lead you to a table without a satisfying view, simply go sit at the table with the great view, in my case, the street and sidewalk. 

You will probably be given some crayons and a coloring sheet. Take this opportunity to create a masterpiece for your Grown Ups. Maybe what they are afraid of is the lack of artwork surrounding them. Come to the rescue and color your best scribbling ever.

If you have prime seating, you might able to see cars driving by. Maybe the Grown Ups are afraid the cars will run into them while they eat. Take your crayons and turn them into guns to shoot the cars.  Make sure you have a crayon-gun in each hand for best results. Also, be sure to make accompanying sound effects.

You might also see people walking by with their dogs. The Grown Ups could be afraid that the dogs will come and eat their food. This is when you should call on your superpowers and blast them with your combination fire/ice/forcefield power that comes out of your hands. Supplementary sound effects will calm their fears.

When the food arrives, guess what? It’s HOT. The Grown Ups are definitely afraid of burning their tongues. You know what to do. Start blowing.

You will probably see these little containers on the table full of black and white substances. These are flavor enhancers. They might be afraid that what they order does not taste so good. Go ahead and sprinkle some into their water to give it a little tang.

There will undoubtedly be other people in the restaurant with you. Grown Ups probably think these other people will steal their belongings. While you are eating, simply stare at the childless couple next to you and use your death vision to ensure that your Grown Ups are safe. The couple will most likely start to feel very uncomfortable with your gaze and ask to be moved to another table.

Following these simple tips can ensure a successful meal away from home, and calm the fears of your scaredy-cat Grown Ups.

interpret this

So, one of the Grown Ups had this dream where I get the Toddler Knows Best header you see up above TATTOOED ON MY FOREHEAD!!!

This is the most fabulous idea EVER.

Forehead tattoos are all the rage. If you're cool, you'll get one too.

Toddler, the Metrosexual

I consider myself an expert on toddler couture. My wardrobe has several items that I absolutely refuse to wear, because really, I can’t be seen in some of the crap the Grown Ups expect me to put on. I also believe that one should dress according to the whims and fancies of changing weather, and that clothing reflects just how you feel about your day.

Allow me to illustrate. Two days ago we were given the balmiest, springy-est, sunshiny-est day you could imagine. The skies were blue, those birdies were singing, and I had to take my Tonka trucks for a spin in the dirt. But wait! What to wear?

 It’s days like these that I feel pants are just not necessary. And footwear should be exactly 4 sizes too large and look like reptiles. Or amphibians. Who needs restrictive clothing on a warm spring day? Not me.

See those guys in the back? They obviously didn’t get the pants memo. I am SO laughing at them.

Now today was a different matter. Not balmy, or sunshiny or springy. SNOW. For real. Yes, Texas got some snow, and I had just the outfit. I call this my “I-don’t-really-need-to-dress-warm-for-this-FAKE-snow-cuz-it’s-really-not-going-to-snow” ensemble. It’s a bit casual with a little rebel thrown in for effect.

But then guess what? It kept snowing. Realizing it was a bit too cool for casual rebel, I threw on my lumberjack-superhero combo to brave the elements.

After frolicking for a bit I realized something.

Know what? Elements suck.

No autographs, please

You are not a baby. In fact, you can walk with your OWN TWO FEET and you don’t need anyone’s hand to help you cross the street. Period.

The Grown Ups will try and carry you, afraid that some car will come flying by, or that you’ll run off into the unknown. You cannot stand for this. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ACCEPT THE DREADED "BABY LEASH". This is a foul and I will have your toddler card revoked if you so much as let the disgusting thing touch your skin. I mean it.

As soon as they attempt to lift you, start wiggling. Twist every which way you can. Grown Ups find it very difficult to carry a squirming child. Add a little scream here and there peppered with a lot of "NO" and you’ll be on your own two feet within seconds.

Now that you can walk without restraints, what do you do? You march right in front because YOU are the star and the Grown Ups are your secret service agents. Enter whatever establishment you have gone to as if you own the place. 

You do. 

Make eye contact and tell people "hi", and say it as if you are doing them a favor by simply being in their presence. 

You are.

I forgot to mention that you should have confiscated an object from the car before you got out. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure something is in your hand. Now, show it to the person you just greeted, and tell them what it is. Say it several times in case they didn't hear you (sometimes these folks can be a little slow). Say it one more time for good measure. Move on to the next person, and repeat the process.

Stop and examine the little spec on the floor. What could it be? A bug? A coin? I don't know either, that's why I stopped. Pick up spec and place it in your pocket. Keep walking.

When it is time to leave, again, tell everyone you see "bye-bye" as if they won't know how to go on without you. 

They won't.

But you'll be back. Oh, yes, you will.

I'm not a TIGER

I’m a Pig. And I’m also ¼ Chinese, which means that I must partake in the FIFTEEN day celebration of Chinese New Year! All I know is that it involves eating a lot of something called moon cakes.

Oh, and dragons. Which is what I want to be when I grow up.

So we saw a few of these…

And to get them to dance faster, they blew up about a billion of these…

Which made them do this…

And made me do this…

And then I found my pockets.

Did you know I’m bilingual? I can say ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’ in Chinese.

I also just learned how to say bullshit.
But not in Chinese.

My new best friend

I've recently become close friends with our ottoman. This piece of furniture has become pretty handy for helping me reach things that for some strange reason are just too high. I just push it wherever I'd like to reach. I'm now able to turn on the lights.
And turn them off.
And then on again.
The fun never stops.
I can also reach the top of the counter and grab useful things like car keys, wallets and batteries.

Sometimes I get tired of milk in my silly sippy-cup. I need to move on to more sophisticated drink ware. I've tried explaining this, but my requests are not being heard.

Lazy Grown Ups. Sometimes you just got to do things yourself.

party at my house

I love Tuesday nights! The Grown Up I call “Daddy” leaves to do something called ‘bettering himself’. I don’t know what that means and I don’t really care. What I do know is, we get pizza, a movie, maybe some brownies, about 12 oranges, and party like it’s 1999!

Why?

Because I smell weakness in the lady Grown up. That’s why.

She can’t put me to sleep. Never could. Actually that’s not true. I think at one point she could. But there was one bad night and then she began to doubt herself and her put-the-kid-to-sleep abilities.  I took that doubt, and I ran with it. Now, whenever she tries, I’ll humor her for a while, and right when she starts to feel successful, I just pop my little head back up and demand to go play.
Works like a charm.

She doesn’t have it in her to fight with me, so I stay up and party for at least TWO HOURS past my bedtime. You can do it too.

Smell the doubt. Prey on their weakness.

And have as many oranges as you want.

Toddler Dinner Etiquette

Let me share with you my sure fire tips on how to have a successful family dinner. First, always start off by blowing on everyone's food. I think I’ve mentioned before the importance that food be at just the right temperature. You wouldn’t want anyone to burn their tongues.


Because that really is NOT comfortable.

As dinner progresses, it is natural for there to be some light discussion. Contribute whenever possible to the evening’s conversations, even if what you have to say is incomprehensible. Do not wait for other’s to finish their sentences, just chime in whenever the mood strikes you. Sometimes, Grown Ups will become so engrossed in what they are saying that they will neglect eating. If this happens, walk over to them and point to their plates and yell “EAT!” They should be forever grateful for this reminder and touched that you are thinking of their nutrition.

Later after plates have been removed, one of your Grown Ups might express the desire to stretch out on the floor complaining of soreness gathered the night before from when you climbed into their bed and forced them to sleep on the very edge of the mattress. This is a great opportunity to practice your kicking. And stomping. While they are lying there, just give a good swift kick to strengthen up those gross motor skills. If they should complain that this hurts, kindly offer them some milk from your sippy-cup. If they decline your offer, simply start pouring the milk onto their face. I am sure they will find it quite refreshing.

Once the dessert course has been served, quickly lap up the ice cream (because really, what ELSE would you have for dessert?) and demand more. If they tell you there is no more, check for yourself. There should be an empty ice cream container in the recycle bin if they are telling the truth. Lucky for them, they were.

Following these simple tips will ensure a pleasant evening meal.

Bon appétit.

Preview: Toddler Documentary

My future as a filmaker is pretty much guaranteed. I have included, for your pleasure, a snippet of my upcoming documentary.


Beware. You are about to see some incredible images, like feet. And Bionicles. And there is an incredibly moving sequence of our carpet.




You might think it's a bit shakey. Let me remind you that I AM A TODDLER. Therefore, shakey is intentional.

I plan on entering this to the Sundance Film Festival. If they gave awards based on age, I will totally win.

insert witty blog post title here

So my future ex-wife's daddy thinks I'm worthy of the Honest Crap Award. I love crap! It visits me every day in my diaper. This was truly meant to be.

So now I must divulge 10 random things about myself. Why, I thought you’d never ask.
You can’t wait, can you?

1. I will not wear socks. Instead I prefer to squeeze my bare feet into my Thomas the Train sneakers so that eventually a foul and mysterious odor will invade the nostrils of the Grown Ups. Just for fun.

2. I enjoy waking up at 2 a.m. and crawling into the Grown Up’s bed to show my dissatisfaction with the thread count on my bedsheets. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

3. In the winter, I will insist on wearing a jacket or sweater before I leave the house. Immediately upon entering the car, I will insist on taking that jacket off.

4. I like to blow on food. And hot drinks. It is my duty to make sure nothing is too hot to enter your mouth.

5. I believe the major food groups are RITZ crackers, oranges and ice cream.

6. I have recently learned how to lock my bedroom door. This buys me just enough time to climb to the top of the bunk bed before the Grown Ups come in and yell at me to get down.

7. Whenever I see an airplane, I shoot it with my finger gun. Sometimes cars get the same treatment.

8. Tonight I discovered I could open the freezer. Guess what I found? ICE CREAM! And when it was taken away, I screamed like a four year-old screams for his mommy on the first day of preschool.

9. Everything is my business. I frequently like to yell “ME TOO! ME TOO!” so everyone is reminded of this.

10. I am inexplicably drawn to spray bottles and guitars.

(Yeah, I know it really says Scrap.
Crap is just so much more fun.)

This is how I celebrate

So today I was given the Sunshine Award by TWO different bloggers!

I love awards. I don't even know what they are but they sound cool. I think I can use this to score some more RITZ. Anyway, thanks to Joe@20 to Life and Ross and Katy.

While doing my celebratory triple flip off the couch, I slipped on some junk lying on the floor, and the corner of the coffee table RAN INTO MY EYE !!

The rest of my celebration was spent screaming at a nurse while blood oozed out as Grown Ups tried to pin down my super strength to give me STITCHES. Bastards.

And then I ate a peanut butter sandwich.


I'm much better now. And I need to pass the award on to twelve other blogs, so here goes:

1. Trophy Mama
2. The Hossman Chronicles
3. Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver
4. Clean Jokes and Pics
5. Bella Daddy
6. A Nut in a Nutshell
7. A Quiet Spot
8. Austin Blogatorium
9. Outnumbered
10. Mommy With A Penis
11. What My Kids' Art Says
12. Mind of a Mad Woman

So now it's your turn to nominate 12 more peeps and link them in your post. Or something like that.

I've got a headache. Time for some sauce.

I like boobs.

Yeah, that's right. I'm still on the sauce.

And I have no intentions of giving it up any time soon, no matter how many interventions my family tries to lay on me. There ain't no 12-Step, MA (Milkaholics Anonymous) meetings, or Milkotine Patches that are gonna work on this guy. HELL NO.

If you've already been weaned (and really, the "w" word is profanity in my book), then you must be feeble-minded and easily persuaded.
Weakling.

Allow me to illustrate for you how I've managed to prolong my addiction.
(Please note: I've altered the identities of others in this photograph to protect their innocence.)

Just reach in and grab what rightfully belongs to YOU.

And NEVER take 'no' for an answer.

Charmer

So I promised I would show you the famous Magnum P.I. look. This was much harder to pull off than my popular Johnny Depp disguise. It also received different reactions from people, but they were all in approval as many just broke out into a smile, and others were beside themselves with hysterical laughter.

Yiya helped me achieve this look. I can tell he's really looking out for my best interests.

The ladies were fallin all over me that night.

Copycat

Do you have one of these at your house?

I'm talking about the kid, not the popsicle.

Not sure exactly what he's called, but around here I refer to him as Yiya. I think they come in different varieties and colors, although I didn't have much of a say in which flavor I got. He was just there when I arrived. I think he came with the house.

Anyway, my Yiya is the coolest thing EVER. You might not be so lucky. I hear sometimes these Yiyas can be a real pain. If that's the case, just take it back to the store, I'm sure you can exchange it for a cooler model like mine.

Here's what you can do to earn instant points with the Grown Ups: COPY. Do everything your Yiya does. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If he yells and runs through the house for no reason, you do the same right behind him. If he hops on one foot, you hop on one foot (as best you can....toddlers have that whole balance thing working against them). If he tries to pee in a toilet, guess what you should do? (Be careful though, this tactic could actually work against you by opening up a whole new can of worms. More on diapers later.) You get the idea.

You could be in the midst of a reprimand, but as soon as you copy your Yiya, the Grown Ups turn to mush. For some wacked out reason, this tugs right at their heart strings, and you my friend, are off the hook.

Cooking

Sometimes you might notice the Grown Ups in your house stressing out about what to make for dinner. This happens quite often around here, and I know this because I see one of them (you know, the ONLY one who does the cooking) frantically flipping through pages of a cookbook only to mutter in frustration. Soon afterward we are served a plate of Pop-Tarts and dinner is considered served.

Now I'm not complaining. I love me some Pop-Tarts. But when I sense this dinner dilema, I like to occasionally help out and take the stress off. If you should find yourself in this situation, simply head into the pantry, or what's referred to around here as the 'crunchy-food closet', grab a can of something - doesn't matter what - run out and announce "Found dinner!" and keep running through the kitchen with the can held high in the air.

They might sound confused when they read "Diced Tomatoes with Jalapeños", but that's just their funny way of saying Thank You.

How to impress the non-ladies

In my attempt to handle advice for the modern ladies-man, I may have forgotten those of you out there who may want to impress upon the other gender. Fear not. I know just what men are looking for too, because, well, I know everything.

First things first, men like color. In order to attract a man, you must add a little hue here or there on your face.
Aim for the lips.
A Crayola marker works well for this, just pick your favorite color.
I like blue.

If you find that markers are unavailable, because maybe they are kept in a high cabinet under lock and key, then look for your mom's purse. She has things in there that work just as well as markers. Look for the slender tube that requires twisting. Smear this stuff as close to your lips as possible.

It will be hard.

But I guarantee results.

How to impress the ladies

I'm not gonna lie. I don't have to try very hard to get women. They adore me. But sometimes, you'll find a special someone who maybe doesn't give you as much attention as you'd like. This is when you must disguise yourself into looking more mature than what your true age would reveal. Some women like older men. Don't be discouraged. This is an easy fix.

It looks real, doesn't it?

Notice the food I left on my face. That's actually my "five o'clock shadow". Chicks dig it. I got my inspiration for this look off of a Johnny Depp photo.

Later, I'll show you my Magnum P.I. look.

What's for dinner?

One of the perks to being so young and cute is that you can eat whenever you damn please. If the family is sitting down to eat a meal, sure you can join them. But two minutes later, you have complete freedom to get up and leave. Try it next time. I suggest walking around to everyone's seat and blowing on their food for them, you know, just in case it's too hot. Or grabbing a fist full of cornbread and insisting on watching Space Ghost.
It's coast to coast.

Sometimes they will make you food that does not meet your approval. Instead of protesting, simply grab your bowl or plate and carry it over to the closest Grown Up. Dump the contents of your bowl into theirs and instruct them to eat. They will be so enamored with your generosity that the fact that you didn't eat that disgusting slop will have escaped their notice.

What's that? You're still in a high chair? Excuse me for a minute while I laugh at you.

You must act immediately to get rid of that chair. Next time a Grown Up tries to plop you in, first try the "NO" technique. If you manage to get yourself buckled in, start throwing food. At them. Take careful aim and go to town, the messier the better. You'll be kissing that high chair goodbye in no time.

Puttin' on the RITZ

Okay, have you tried these RITZ crackers? They are buttery and crunchy and chock full of sugar, a staple in every toddler's diet. If you find yourself in possession of these delectable little morsels, get your hands on the entire sleeve of crackers. Guard them with your life and do not let anyone get closer than 10 feet of you. If a Grown Up or some other fool tries to convince you to part with the sleeve, run in the opposite direction. They might pull the "share" card. It's this stupid lesson they think will make you a better person.

"You need to share the ball."
"Sharing is nice, it's gives other's a chance."
"Can you share your crackers?"

This is a trick. You might give the entire sleeve over thinking you will get it back by this so-called sharing. They are not giving it back! Don't fall for it! Instead, give them the cracker you have already taken a bite out of, and pull a fresh cracker for yourself = SHARING.

If they try to get a fresh cracker out of the you, simply employ the "NO" technique mentioned earlier. If they are persistant, your next tactic is to make sure the "no" gets increasingly louder and higher in pitch each time you have to say it. If necessary, scream the "NO" at your highest frequency. Grown ups find this decibel level irritating and might actually leave you alone. And this is what a victory will look like:

Sitting on the best chair in the house, surrounded by glorious crackers.

Should the Grown Ups still attempt at removal of the cracker sleeve, this next step is crucial. Simultaneously yell your loudest "NO" while throwing the crackers over their head, making sure the crackers will land and splatter so NO ONE can enjoy them. Did you get that?

I repeat: THROW THE CRACKERS!

At this point, you can do one of two things: give them the look of death and find something else to obsess about, OR (and this is the one I highly suggest for maximum effectiveness) go into a Full Body Tantrum.

Stay tuned for my detailed instructions on the Fine Art of the Full Body Tantrum.
Until then, enjoy your RITZ.

Just say NO.

No is the best word EVER. Used correctly, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. The trick is in your tone. You must not waver. Show them who's boss. It's YOU. And most importantly: never. give. in.

Example:

Grown Up: C'mon sweetie, it's time to clean up.

Me: No. (do not make eye contact. keep doing whatever it is that you are doing)

Grown Up: Ha, Ha, Little Man. Let's pick up your toys.

Me: No. (keep your voice level. no eye contact)

Grown Up: Okay, enough playing around...you can watch Scooby-Doo later. We need to pick up this mess.

Me: NO.

Grown Up: *sigh*

You've won. The *sigh* is your first sign of victory. The Grown Ups will give up if you are solid in your "NO.", unless they are hard of hearing or just stupid. They should not pursue this any further because they are deathly afraid of your next tactic. If they are not yet afraid, they will be.

What is that next tactic? Stick around. I'll tell you all about it.
Later.